Kashann and Clan

Last week time stood still. Such a short time later we are back to normal. My mom left this morning which confirms that we are out of crisis and are moving on.

Caroline even went to school this morning. With a note about how she is supposed to cough and it won't make anyone else sick. I finally let her sleep in her room last night, confident that I didn't need to check her breathing during the night. I am going to be thinking of her all day at school.

Camille was running a low fever yesterday and laying around. She was really scared to be sick after seeing what happened to her sister. I had to reassure her that she wouldn't be going to the hospital like Caroline.

Once during the day I called out across the room to Camille, "Are you okay, honey? Do you need anything?"

Caroline was playing in the room and turned to me confused. "What? I thought you were talking to me." It is going to take her awhile to adjust to not being our princess who lays in bed and orders mother around.

So things are settling, but this crisis has deepened my faith and brought everyone in this house closer together, though we are still having fights over clothes every morning when Kennon and Savannah leave the house. Somethings are never resolved till you leave home I guess.

As I prayed last week, I had no idea where this was all heading. But I felt an assurance that we were strong enough to make it through even if we did lose Caroline. It was a small measure of peace that saw me through. Even though I was sick to my stomach at the moment I kept telling Brent that either way we were going to be okay. I just kept praying that that was the extent of the test. I had showed my father in heaven that I would trust in him and would not lose my faith that we were in his care.

I am not sure why this time my child was spared. I am so so grateful that he decided that it was enough.

(Brent will probably disagree and say I was anything but strong since he saw me bawling the whole week even after she got better. I was also really tired and didn't deal very well with the back and forth to the hospital to take care of all my children.)

My 8 year old sister died in a family car accident when I was 10. Though I was young it was no small thing for me to move on from. After nightmares for a week following the accident about her, I finally was able to have a sweet dream that brought me peace that she was okay where she was and that I would see her again. This tragic loss of my sister has strengthened me throughout my life as I had to decide at a young age that I believed in life after death, and because of that I would live worthy to be with her again someday. For that reason, I cannot doubt. My sister is waiting for me. Since I have become a mother, though I have often marveled at how my mother was able to recover from the loss of her daughter which is so much harder than losing a sister. I have always prayed that this would not be my trial because I didn't think I was strong enough.

These trials that we go through are horrible and I don't want to even imagine what the next one may be. But I thank God for the things I have learned and for his great love and mercy.

Something else happened last week while we were in the hospital. My friend Janice Snyder died. I have blogged about her before. She was my Cayuga Indian visiting teaching partner. She cooked our thanksgiving turkey last year. She was blind but always led the way when we drove around the city. She never complained though she was on dialysis for years and never felt well. She always got after me when I showed up with my children at her house because they didn't have "a bonnet" on. She always had an apple for Caroline. I always came home from my visits with her and had stories to tell Brent about how much she had got after me but how great she was.

The last few months of her life she she spent in a rest home about 25 minutes from my house. I went to visit her once in August.

She was really upset at me this time while I was there all because I had come straight from church in a red dress. She said, "You don't come to visit me wearing red!" Since that visit I have thought of her often and kept planning to go again, but never made it.

I once heard a quote from Marjorie P. Hinckley, the late wife of former LDS prophet Gordon B. Hinckley that went something like, "If you ever have a generous thought, act on it. The opportunity may pass you by"

It is too late to let Sister Snyder know how much I love her and be her friend in her final days. But there are other people that I can help and bless today and I hope that I will never have to suffer the pain I have felt since hearing of her death, knowing that I abandoned someone that I loved. I hope that she forgives me and somehow is able to know how much I loved her.

Sorry for all the sentimentality. The death of a friend and a very sick daughter all in one week have left me feeling that the line between heaven and earth is very thin.

Thanks for all of your love and prayer last week. I hope I can be the same friend to you when you need it as that is just the way of life. We all take a turn.

More light hearted posts ahead.

I promise.